FaithfulFin Talk

A Mothers Truth Grace, Struggle, and Still Standing Pt 1 | FaithfulFin Talk

• Juantrell Lovette • Season 2 • Episode 55

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In this raw and unfiltered episode, I sit down with my mother—who is still battling a long-term addiction.

This isn’t just another podcast—it’s our real life.

Together, we confront the realities of addiction, healing, and legacy from both sides: the addicted and the affected.

🔥 In this episode:

  • The pain of watching your parent fall
  • What addiction really feels like
  • Choosing grace, even when it's hard
  • Romans 5:3-5 — suffering produces hope

✨ Stay connected:
Instagram: @faithfulfintalk
TikTok: @juantrelllovette
Website: www.lovettelegacylivingwealth.com

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Speaker 1:

Breaking the chain, feeling the gain. Now I'm rising. Open the gate, never too late. No hiding Wings open wide, trusting my God, ready to take off, Ready to take off, Ah, someday.

Speaker 2:

I know I'm moving in the right way, hey y'all, welcome back to another episode of Faithful Fenton. I'm your host, Wontrell LeVette, and today is episode 55. Our title for today is A Mother's Truth Grace Struggle and Still Standing Raw and Unfiltered. Today is a little special for me because I have somebody that's here with me, so welcome all of you guys here to Faithful Fin Talk. You know how we do it here. This is real stories, real scripture and real growth. Today, this might be the realest one yet, because I'm not here to paint a perfect picture. I know what you guys see, like I say it's always pretty, but everything is pretty, it's not gold. So today I'm here with my mother, someone that I love very much, dearly, but also someone that I struggled to understand, someone that I've struggled to forgive and someone that I struggled to let into my life again. If you new here, I need you to know my mom is still fighting her addiction, and her addiction doesn't mean that she's still using. She's fighting a battle that she don't really talk about, that she didn't get to tell her side of the story, and so today is a really special thing for her. I posted a video of my mom back in 2020 for the first time on my social media and I asked the entire world to pray for her. It's all good, it was really special. The entire world reached out and they sent abundant of prayers for my mom. I would insert the clip of the video that I posted of my mom. When I first asked for these prayers, I didn't know how viral that video would go. I didn't understand what I was putting out into the universe, but I asked God for a favor and I asked him if I should share my story with the world.

Speaker 2:

I personally haven't fought addiction, but I fight things all the time. I come from a childhood that wasn't glitter and gold and if you're like me or anything like me, you fight and you have struggle. Thank you, chris. I'm sorry, guys, I have a little teary, but it gets real over here. And this is how real it is Because this is a special episode for me and so I want you guys to really see my vulnerability and how I stand firm in my walk.

Speaker 2:

So, again, like I said, if you're anything like me, come from any type of background like me or any type of family like me my situation then you know how hard it is when somebody is fighting something that's hurting them, whether it's abuse, whether it's drugs, whether it's being homeless, poverty, doesn't matter. So, seeing my mom and her addiction, seeing my mom still fighting to survive, I constantly ask God what is it that you want me to do and how you want me to show up? Because there's no way that I can do your job. I can't do the Lord's job, but I could use my mouth and I can send out prayers every day, constantly up into the universe, up into the creator, up into the God that I serve, and I can ask him every day to help me with this struggle and help me with my mom. So that's what I did In 2020, I posted a video and it went completely viral. Like I said, I'm gonna insert a clip so you guys can see the video of what I'm talking about.

Speaker 3:

Do not, do not do it, do not do what Do not do it, do not do what Do not.

Speaker 2:

Do not do it, do not do what Do not do it.

Speaker 3:

Do not do what. Do not do it. Do not do what Do it, do it. Yeah, I did it.

Speaker 2:

Don't do that shit, I did it. Look at you, girl. Look at you. Where you going? I'm going to hell, hell. Why would you want to go there? Why would you want to go there? Can't you be? Why would you want to go there? I'm taking you there.

Speaker 3:

No, I'm gonna have H a le, h a le. That is not.

Speaker 2:

That's how you spell it. You so pretty to be like this, don't you want to get your shit together? You're so cute to be looking like this, mama, what you mean, so what?

Speaker 3:

I would not call you out your name. I called you a beautiful black queen.

Speaker 2:

Regardless of what drug you are, it don't matter what you are. I, I called you a beautiful black queen. Yeah, beautiful black queen. Look at you, look at you, okay.

Speaker 2:

But yes, this kind of brought me back to the ground zero that I was talking about, trying to make my way up out of understanding just where I come from. You guys sent crazy prayers and you guys all reached out to me and at the time I was like, yeah, I'm gonna talk to my mom about her story and stuff. But guess what? You guys, I never got around to it. No, because I was still fighting my battle. I was still understanding where God was walking with me, I mean, where I was walking with God at and what God was doing with me in the time that I had to share with my mama. So she's here with me and she's been here in Vegas, and it's not just my podcast, it's our living room, it's our space and this is our real. So, mom, thank you for doing this.

Speaker 2:

I know there is no easy way for you to talk about what you're going through, but you are here, you showed up. That's something that people don't really see and they can't talk about, right? So let's just talk. No judgment, no edits unless we mess up, but just the truth. Okay, this is real. You guys, this is raw and unreal. I haven't asked, asked my mom any questions, I haven't shown her anything or you know, I was just like Mom. We're gonna do it episodes, because I feel like now it's time for her to tell her story. So, mom, let's get all the way real for the podcast. Get all the way real for me, yourself and anybody that has to listen. There are people who would never let their mother in. After all the pain, the relapses, the street life, the struggle, why do you think I let you in? Do you feel you deserve a second chance?

Speaker 3:

Well, yes, I think everybody deserves a second chance. Because they have faith in God or whatever. Everybody needs a second chance because it's not easy. It's not easy, like you know, especially growing up how I did or growing up where I came from, but to be here and still alive and still breathing, yes, I think everybody deserves a second chance now wrap back to the first question that I asked of you.

Speaker 2:

Why do you think I let you in?

Speaker 3:

because you're my daughter and you love me and I love you too, and, I think, because we both had some issues before, especially growing up to where now we have to really get past the past and grow into just being there for each other, more loving each other, more doing what God would want us to do. You know, I like being a family.

Speaker 2:

And that's why you think I let you in. That's your perspective. That's your perspective, that's my perspective. Ok, so, as you guys heard my mom perspective of why she think I let her in, and I'm going to share with you guys the reason why I let her in on this journey and this walk with God. It has not been something that I've glamorized, but I take initiative to know that it's not going to be an easy thing. But I need to understand the struggles of my childhood, so struggling with my mom and where we come out, come together at mind you, my mom is 15 years older than me. She gave birth to me at 15 years old and so that's not really a big gap to close in for somebody to really parent somebody. So she did have me at a really young age.

Speaker 2:

But the reason why I let my mom in is because I needed to heal my inner child, the inner child in me, that question where's my mom? What's going on with my mom? Why is she not here? So the adult me, as I started to walk with Christ and started to align myself with God's words, I needed to touch in with the root of who I was, and that's because I come from my mom. I wanted to let her in, and I didn't let her in completely Because, trust me, it's been a struggle, but that's my reason of why I let her in. So, mom, tell people in your own words what is PCP addiction?

Speaker 3:

actually like ADCP addiction actually like First tell them what the drug is. It's a hallucinant downer, it's kind of like a. It's kind of hard. It's a kind of like it's kind of hard, it's addiction, that I wouldn't force it on anyone because it's really like it's kind of hard to shake. But with God, work and everything, a lot of things are curable. We pick up. With God, work and everything, a lot of things are curable. You know, we pick up addictions because we want to. It's not because it's forced on us, because everybody has a choice. We make good choices. Sometimes we make bad choices. A lot of times we make a lot of bad choices because sometimes they overwrite the good choices.

Speaker 2:

Understanding, but we don't want to go off the topic of what is PCP addiction actually like Mentally, physically and emotionally. What does it do to you?

Speaker 3:

Well, in the beginning it done a lot of things to me. You know Like what? A lot of things that I have forgotten in my childhood. It kind of made me remember certain things that I blocked out Because it's an enhancer, a loosening drug A lot of things that I blocked out when I was a kid. And then, seeing my mother go through what she was going through, I kind of started to remember a lot of things that I had kind of like psychologically blocked out of my whole mind. So it's really hallucinating. Like I said, it's a hallucinating drug. So do you hallucinate? It's like I said, it's an hallucinant drug, it's so.

Speaker 2:

Do you hallucinate when you're using that drug?

Speaker 3:

it's a lot of times when you're coming down off of it. I mean, when you're coming down off of it, you kind of have like what they call uh, setbacks or withdrawals and um, you kind of like, if you did like as long as I did, sometimes you get the cravings. It's just like when you smoke. Because I smoke cigarettes and because it's used, you can only use it to smoke a cigarette. You have to use it with a cigarette. Um, it was kind of hard to kick, so, but I had to do a lot of rehabilitation. I had to go to mental health.

Speaker 2:

We're not that far yet, okay, okay. So as far as PCP, when did you start using that drug?

Speaker 3:

At the age of 23. Okay.

Speaker 2:

At the age of 23 was your first time. Yeah, and who introduced you to that drug?

Speaker 3:

Partying just out at a party. Friends well, cousins, like relatives that grew up with me being at these functions and actually when I started dancing in the club too, actually when I started dancing in the club too, so that kind of like made me kind of like block off the things of being an exotic dancer.

Speaker 2:

But who?

Speaker 3:

gave you the drug my cousin Arlitris.

Speaker 2:

To the drug, your cousin.

Speaker 3:

Arlitris, my cousin Arlitris.

Speaker 2:

So your cousin Arlitris introduced you to the drug PCP. For those of you who are listening, PCP stands for phenylslycline.

Speaker 3:

I'm sorry if I'm butchering that word.

Speaker 2:

It's an illegal street drug known for its mind-altering and hallucinogenic effects. Sorry, hallucinogenic effects. It is classified as a dissociative drug because it distorts perceptions and makes users feel detached from their surroundings. Does that sound?

Speaker 3:

pretty much familiar.

Speaker 2:

Yes, Growing up watching my mom on PCP. My mom is the oldest of seven kids. She had me at the age of 15. I am the oldest of five kids. Watching my mom on PCP was very mental abuse for me. To see that, to anybody to see that. So when I say my story's not glitz and gold, it's not. I watched my mom struggle with this addiction and as a young girl, to look up to the only woman that you have to try to look up to, you ask yourself is this going to be me too? Is this going to be my life? But God said no. So struggling to understand her PCP addiction is one of the reasons why I didn't have her into my life, because obviously the drug was taking over her. It's been five years and we've been on an emotional roller coaster and the first time I posted her video was literally five years ago and she was still using. Like she said, she battles with it all the time. So what is a day in your life on the street when you're not with me?

Speaker 3:

Well, actually I just take it one day at a time. I try to just stay more focused, I try to stay away from a lot of bad surroundings and I try to like avoid like a lot of verbal and physical abuse of you know. Um, I kind of like I alienated myself, I separated myself from those type of friends that I thought they were my friends. So they weren't my friends, because anytime a person offer you drugs and, um, you know they're not your friends. So sometimes I have to really stay focused and just stay away from those type of people, you know.

Speaker 2:

But what is a day in your life on the street?

Speaker 3:

Typically it's just a normal day. I just take one day at a time. I try to keep myself busy, especially when I'm in California, and in LA I try to keep myself. You know, make all my appointments, keep myself busy, stay. You know, I still go to some meetings, I still see counseling, I still, you know, just basically just try to stay amongst most of the positive side instead of the rough side. But it's still hard. I'm still. I'm still battling, because sometimes I can run into that one maybe guy that I used to date or something, or you know. So it's a struggle. Every day is a struggle, but I try to fight it with God.

Speaker 2:

So you guys? Pcp was initially developed as an intravenous anesthetic in the 1950s but was discontinued for human use due to adverse side effects like agitation, delusions and hallucinations. It is still used as an animal tranquilizer. That should let you know how strong that drug is. The appearance in it it is pure form. Pcp is a white crystalline powder with a bitter chemical taste. Soluble in water or alcohol. It's often found in illicit markets as a powder or liquid, Sometimes mixed with leafy materials like marijuana or tobacco for smoking. The usage of PCP can be snorted, smoked, injected or swallowed. Smoking is a common method where it's applied to materials like mint, parsley, oregano or marijuana. So you said when you're using the PCP, you used it in a cigarette form. Yes, so obviously your PCP that you were using was in the liquid form.

Speaker 3:

Right, I never seen powder. I never seen what powder looked like. I only knew what the liquid looked like. That's the only type I ever used.

Speaker 2:

And how was your childhood growing up as a young woman, growing up in the early 70s with your parents? Were they on drugs?

Speaker 3:

Well, yes, that's I mean that's where I seen it from my dad was struggling with his addiction. Mainly, I never seen my dad do PCP, but I did see my mom do PCP and there were a lot. Back then they were really doing the pills. Pills was like the thing to do. Back then I seen a lot of different pill use. So you know there was a lot of. So you know there was a lot of in both sides of my family, which was was struggling from different addictions.

Speaker 2:

So, okay, so both your parents struggled from addiction, right, so you basically had an honest to see drugs in your lifetime. Yes, sounds pretty familiar for a lot of people that grew up in the 70s and 80s. Around that time, drugs obviously was a big thing in that time, which they still are today. There's no judgment on people that does drugs. It's just how you do them and allowing them to take over. Just how you do them and allowing them to take over, you obviously can affect you and other people in ways that cause issues for you. When did you first lose your children because of the drug? Um?

Speaker 3:

I was in my 20s, about the middle 20s. It was like a Actually it started from because before it was, before I got addicted to PCP, I was using marijuana and the marijuana was I was really on marijuana a lot. You know, that was my first addiction before I upgraded to the PCP. So I was a single parent. I stayed, I always had my own place. I try to, you know, keep my kids, I try to protect him just as much as I could as a young parent, a young single parent, and I just did a lot, a lot of marijuana. And then I got to end up having to take a test and it came out dirty from marijuana. So that's the first time that DCF came into my life.

Speaker 2:

Ok, so DCF showed up in your life. You were in your early 20s At the time. You were addicted to marijuana.

Speaker 3:

Right.

Speaker 2:

You had a dirty test. Dcf came and felt you were kind of not suitable.

Speaker 3:

Well, they just said that I needed help and I needed to get into a program. And that's when I called my family and asked them to help me with the what I was going through. As far as because they didn't take you guys right away, it's just because, um, I didn't feel that that I had a problem. I had to. I'd never been in a program before, so getting into a program was kind of like, know, I was into a program where people were on I was maybe the first person in the class was just on marijuana. It was people that was on cocaine, heroin. The first time I ever heard about what's that crystal meth. I never knew what that was and I was about the only person and maybe this one other guy that was in there for marijuana. So they were looking at me like, why is she in the groups? She's only on marijuana. But marijuana was not illegal then. It was a drug. It was considered a drug. It was considered abusive drug.

Speaker 2:

It was considered a drug, it was considered abusive, so, but marijuana ended up turning into the real problem, which was the addiction problem of PCP. Right, correct, yeah, but marijuana is what started off of DCF getting in your business right as a young marijuana mother. Okay, you say you were in your early 20s. I was in my early 20s, so I had to be around six or seven you was like seven when I first encountered DCF the system.

Speaker 3:

Because, Robert was five, you were seven.

Speaker 2:

So yeah, young girl, young mom, two kids struggling. It happens in life, you guys, it really does. So next question I want you to be really honest with me and yourself and my community. Why did drugs win over your family for so long?

Speaker 1:

well.

Speaker 3:

I don't consider that they won. It won over my family. I didn't choose it. It just was something that you know, that happened and what was going, what I was going through.

Speaker 2:

I think I was also wait, wait. You can't say that you didn't choose something when we all have a choice. So this is an honest space to not be in denial, to be telling the truth. Why did drugs win over your family for so long?

Speaker 3:

I don't know, I don't ask for that right now. Was there a?

Speaker 2:

moment you chose the high over your kids.

Speaker 3:

No, it was more than that. It was probably the man that I was involved with at the time too. So it was much more than just the drug. It was just, you know, the relationship that I was in was a little bit not healthy, you know. I was, you know, just going through actually trying to. I was going through my childhood too. So it was really kind of difficult for me. You know, I didn't choose the drug, I just didn't know no better at the time. So I had to learn that what I was doing was affecting my family, affecting my kids. I had to learn through the program and getting help through mental health, that I really had a problem before all this happened.

Speaker 2:

So you're saying that you had a mental problem. Before you claimed the drug chose you.

Speaker 3:

Yes, because I was still. I was battling something that that I held inside of me for a long time.

Speaker 2:

And that was the abuse of being abused as a kid. Why didn't?

Speaker 3:

you choose to choose yourself and kids before choosing a man and drugs. Well, like I said, because I was really young, I was a kid myself when I had kids, so I didn't have that normal childhood or child life. So basically, I grew up too fast and I was really missing out on being a kid, you know, I was still in high school. On my second child, I was still struggling with, you know, family members too, you know, and I had to deal with a lot of issues that I blocked out and I didn't want to talk about them because it were really scary things that happened to me and my child as a kid.

Speaker 2:

Like what? What are some of the things that happened to you as a kid?

Speaker 3:

Well, I was molested by my uncle.

Speaker 2:

You were molested by your uncle, by my mother's brother, by your mother's brother. Yes, still living to's brother. Yes, still living to this day.

Speaker 3:

Yes, didn't go to jail. He went to jail, but it was more of other things that he did.

Speaker 2:

But he didn't go to jail for what he did to you, no, and you're certain that this person molested you.

Speaker 3:

I know for a fact that I was molested, not just by him, it was other men too, but he was the tick. He was the first one that started it.

Speaker 2:

How old were you when your mother's brother molested you? That's a pretty sensitive thing because, family will hear this and they would wonder which brother it is. We don't have to put any names on it.

Speaker 3:

They know now, all my family know now, because my mother brought it out. So your mother, she didn't know what was happening because she was going through her addiction, really bad. Back then she was dealing with my dad and her other kid's father, so she didn't know. You know, leaving us alone or leaving us at my grandma's house with this man or whatever. She didn't know that her brother would do something like this. But he was also struggling with a lot of things going on too with heroin and addiction.

Speaker 2:

Is that an excuse?

Speaker 3:

No, it's not an excuse. It's just that he was a grown man, he knew. I kind of figured he knew what he was doing, but we were kids we didn't know what was happening. I just will, you know, it was a shock. So that's why I kind of say like I blocked it all in, I didn't want to remember none of that stuff and I kind of was, I say, saved by my godmother and my grandmother, my dad's mom, who took me out of the environment and let me be a kid again At what age did you get molested?

Speaker 3:

I was five years old.

Speaker 2:

Five years old.

Speaker 3:

Maybe four, I'm five. So, four or five years old, all the way up until I was like seven, six, seven, almost seven.

Speaker 2:

So a couple years it was happening. A so a couple years it was happening.

Speaker 3:

A few years. Yeah, it was happening A lot of times, we and my cousin Sean, and it was happening to her too, but we wouldn't talk about it because we were scared and it was almost like having a nightmare. Every night I would have the same nightmare over and over again about this boogeyman that I couldn't escape from. And the thing was well, my uncle my mother's brother.

Speaker 3:

You know it was just a terrible experience and it had to do with the heroin and the PCP and the drugs that they were on, and that's what they the excuse that they had, even as now, as he got older.

Speaker 2:

So do you think, in the certain family communities, certain where you come from, do you feel like a lot of families shelter family members that do pedophile things like molestations and touching on kids? Do you feel like that happens a lot in black communities, Mexican communities, minority communities or anybody's community that people will shelter pedophiles and molesters when they are family members Of?

Speaker 3:

course it happens. As we speak right now it happens to the worst thing. It really hurts when your grandmother doesn't believe you and it takes your aunts to believe you. They knew they were mad, you know, once they found out, you know, I think he ended up going to jail out. You know, I think he ended up going to jail. Then go him to get arrested for almost something like that with a younger, a younger woman that was maybe about 16 or 17, but he was still a grown man and so I think that's what triggered, uh, to let everybody know that what he was into. And then it was just certain things that I saw and grew up at and when I was a kid it was just certain things that I saw and grew up in and when I was a kid it was just really terrifying, and I think no children should have to go through that.

Speaker 2:

So basically, do you feel like your innocence was stolen?

Speaker 3:

Oh, they were definitely robbed. I mean, I didn't want to know about sex, I didn't want to. I wanted to be a kid, we wanted to play with our dolls, we wanted to, you know, go to elementary school, right? We don't want to have to have these monsters, these demons, haunting us and terrifying us. You know, you know me and my cousin. Sometimes we used to play the runaway game because we didn't want to be around that environment. So we was happy when godmothers and my grandmothers come take us away from that type of stuff.

Speaker 2:

OK, sounds good. So I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I know I don't talk to you about it as much. I know you try to share this story with me, about what happened to you, and even when it comes to protecting me as being me being your only daughter how was protected with you.

Speaker 3:

How was?

Speaker 2:

that in a case of knowing what happened with you and you putting in that protection for me, because, by the grace of god, no one has ever touched me, and that's because I haven't ever experienced anything like that. I think, for the simple part that I'll be in jail honestly.

Speaker 3:

Well, I really I had made a pact with myself that I would never let this happen to none of my children and I kind of protected you guys from that to the best that I can, to the best of my knowledge, and I, I, I, I, I just prayed on it that I, this one could never happen to none of my children. They would never go through. I'm kind of glad I said I want you to go through what I went through and, um, I just, uh, I kept it very simple and I just just protect it. I just protected the best of what I can. I just made sure that I'm not going to let a child of mine go through what I went through. Even when it was times when I almost thought I couldn't protect you, you guys, I still fought my way in to try to do the best that I can to keep you guys from even going through that type of hell. You know.

Speaker 2:

Well, thank you for that. Appreciate that, and that's a big deal. Some people have judged me from the video that I posted of you. Some people will judge me for even this interview. Judgment comes in both forms, good and bad. I had people judge me and saying thank you for loving your mama. And I had people also judge me and say why are you putting her out there like that? What do you say to them? People who have something to say.

Speaker 3:

Well, I wouldn't say nothing to them, people who have something to say. Well, I wouldn't say nothing to them because I put my own self out there like that. I mean, you know it's nothing that you're doing right now that I have not already done to myself. It would be even worse. You know, I've been in situations where I don't even think I should be. I didn't think I was going to be alive today. You know, I put myself in predicaments where I don't know how I should be. I didn't think I was going to be alive today. You know, I put myself in predicaments where I don't know how I got out of it. It had to be the grace of God that I got out of certain things, you know, but I wouldn't take back. The only thing I would probably take back is growing up to live to that little part of hell that I had grew up. But I don't take back even being born with my mom. You know they've also had a struggle you know this is not about them, I know.

Speaker 3:

But just having a life of what we had to go through. I, you know, if I could do it all over again I wouldn't do it exactly same. But I, you know, try to make the corrections you know.

Speaker 2:

What do you say to families that's torn apart by addiction?

Speaker 3:

Well, it's always help. We have more help now today than we did way back when I was growing up in the 60s, 70s and 80s. I mean, there we have solutions now. We have a lot of more resources now today because they didn't. We didn't have DCF in our life back then. Well, it came into effect at the end. I was after I had you, that's when my mom got into DCF. They didn't have those people that would call them. You know, neighbors really stayed out of your business. You know they didn't have all that until after you were born. You know, my mom actually she didn't really get caught on like I did. It's that she knew that she was hitting rock bottom. So she admitted herself for six months in the mental hospital at St Francis Hospital in Linwood. My mother did it for herself because she was sick and tired.

Speaker 2:

sick and tired of what she was going through okay, so so dcf, um, cps these are all common names for department of child services uh, children protective services. These services companies came around fairly. Uh, it says child protective service. Um, it came about in 1825, so that was a long time ago, right.

Speaker 2:

But then it says was cps a thing in the 70s? And it says child protective services agencies were first established in response to the 1974 capta. So sometimes in the 70s you would say like DCF, CPS kind of start making known or was they just not a big thing?

Speaker 3:

No, we would call them social workers, because in the late 70s, when my mother was on government assistance, they had what they call social workers would come visit your house just because you were on the government assistance. So they had to come see how you was living, how your kids were living, how they were dressing. Did you have food in the refrigerator? Was there any school? Yeah, a kid had to be in school because they wouldn't give you the assistance that you needed from the government if your child was neglecting school or getting beating or you know.

Speaker 2:

So systematic, Systematic right. Systematically, in order to get government assistance, social service workers had to come out to visit Right. Are you coming from a family that always used government assistance.

Speaker 3:

Not everybody Was your mom, my mom did, was your dad. No, my dad worked, but your mom was heavily Because she had other kids.

Speaker 2:

It's just a yes or no.

Speaker 3:

Yes, when they separated yes.

Speaker 2:

Yes or no, so she had government assistance. When she separated yeah, and was she the reason you also now receive government assistance with social security?

Speaker 3:

well, she had a big part of it. Yes, she, she did help me get that, because when I was into the hospital mental health, she also knew more about my childhood, of what happened to me then, more than I did so she felt like mentally you was not capable to function in the world, that government assistance will be beneficial for you to survive. Well, she knew at some point I would need it because I was in denial on what I would, what I my mental status.

Speaker 2:

OK, so have you ever had a job not talking entertainment? Have you ever worked for?

Speaker 3:

I had a part-time job, I did.

Speaker 2:

How long ago was that?

Speaker 3:

Well, it was like. I think you were like maybe two. So very, very long ago, very long time ago, it was for a furniture company.

Speaker 2:

Ever since then, you've never had a job since.

Speaker 3:

Just dancing.

Speaker 2:

After dancing, have you ever had a job where you got paid a check?

Speaker 3:

Not a check, but maybe under the table. Not under the table.

Speaker 2:

A job that you clocked in and went to work. No, no.

Speaker 3:

Okay work?

Speaker 2:

no, no, okay. So in Romans 5, where we talked about in a previous episode, romans 5, chapter 5, verses 3 to 5, it says suffering produces perseverance, character and hope. Do you feel hopeful right now?

Speaker 3:

Yes, you do. Yeah, I feel that I conquered. Actually, I survived a very rough childhood and a little a young lady's hood. I survived a lot of obstacles that most people probably wouldn't have survived. You know, um, I've seen a lot of people that I knew I grew up with. It's not even here today because they couldn't handle their life. They can't handle the ways of life of growing up with, uh, so-called bad parents or being in foster care.

Speaker 2:

So you feel hopeful right now, or are you just surviving?

Speaker 3:

I feel very grateful as far as more than hopeful. I feel more grateful that I am. I do have my health, I do have my mind straight, I can remember, I can think for myself, you know.

Speaker 2:

How long has it been since you've felt like that Grateful and clear mind?

Speaker 3:

I'd say after I got out. I'd say about about 30 when I was 36 on to now.

Speaker 2:

Well, that can be possible, because I have videos of you not in a clear mind.

Speaker 3:

Well, I probably was just out of that summer, but it was a lot of times that you know.

Speaker 2:

But you're homeless.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I am, and that's not by choice, it's just because Well it has to be by choice, because we all have a choice.

Speaker 2:

Well, if you say you're not working, you haven't got a job. So we have choices. We can either do or we cannot, and you're choosing not, do you think that is the reason why?

Speaker 3:

no, I feel that I'm trying to get back on my feet, and what way? So it's a slow process, but I'm applying for different places. I'm applying, you know myself for to get another apartment I might. Can't afford to live in one or two-bedroom with my fixed income, so I'm still relying on for the government help to assist me in certain ways.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, but is it working for you or not? Because it doesn't seem like it's working if you're at my house.

Speaker 3:

I just have to wait until see what happens. I mean I can't, I don't, I can't predict the future, I can't predict what's happening. I just I call and see what my status is, and they telling me that I'm at the part where I'm almost there. Just hold on, you know, they're trying, they're fixing on it, they're working on it, and that's all I can.

Speaker 2:

So this is real stories, john, I really got to keep it real with you guys. I really do. She does not work, my mom does not work and she doesn't want to work, and there is no waiting when it comes to being with me, and that's the reason why we're here today is because she don't have the time to wait around and sit and wait for things you have to initiate when you're going to take charge of your life and make the correct choices. When you know better, you do better. So it's unfortunately that, still in a mental state, as you guys can hear my mom talk that she's very grateful but not hopeful. Because that was the question Are you hopeful for where you can go into, what life you can move into, what movement you can go into?

Speaker 2:

Being grateful is saying I'm grateful that somebody has let me in the door. Being hopeful is saying I know for a fact that God is going to change my life if I wake up with God every day. That's a hope that we all need. So I'm struggling to understand or where I step in at and I'm like all right, god, this is too much for me. I don't want to be a part of this, because I'm okay with somebody being grateful, but I need somebody that's hopeful, somebody that's going to take the initiative, someone's that's going to step out and say I'm not waiting for anybody to make choices and do things for me, I'm going to do them myself.

Speaker 2:

So Faithful Fin Talk is me actually showing you guys look, this is real, this is a real story. This is me being growing up in your face and in my growing up. You have to have real growth. You have to step out and say I'm going to do this on my own. So the questions that I'm asking my mom, they're really personal to me and they should really be personal to her to bring hope into her life, not just being grateful because anybody can be grateful when you let them in your door, when you open your door to somebody, of course they're going to be grateful, but how grateful will they be if they don't initiate hope in their life to be better than they were yesterday? That's a big deal. So when was the last time you really felt God?

Speaker 2:

Oh well, I constantly feel God all the time, or do you ever feel like God forgot about you?

Speaker 3:

No, I never give up on my prayers. I never give up on my prayers. I never give up on God. It's not God's that's making me go through what I'm going through. God has always been the most merciful God that I grew up with in my life To where, like I said, you know, I'm grateful I'm at peace while I'm still alive today because, like I said, I saw my life go a long time ago and I'm so grateful that God saw fit to even let me be here. Even you know I've been shot, you know, while I was carrying my child, and I know that was nothing but God that kept me alive. Then you know that was another hard for experience that I had to go through too, you know.

Speaker 2:

I've heard you say things that you regret about me, about yourself, certain situations, especially when you're under the influence, when you're not in the right state of mind, even about your own life. I hear you talk a lot about your past and about your own life. Is there anything you need to say to your younger self today, or even to me, your daughter, right now?

Speaker 3:

Well, I just want to say out of all I'm sorry for a lot of things that I have put you through. I'm really thankful and I'm at at peace where God put you right now and I think that you really did a good job with growing up to be a nice, beautiful woman and to love your kids more, you know, being your children's life the best that you could can, the best that you could can.

Speaker 2:

And um what?

Speaker 3:

do you want to tell?

Speaker 2:

to your younger self, to my younger self yeah, maybe the five-year-old girl that got molested. What would you say to her right now? What you say to her?

Speaker 3:

right now that you're going to make it Through all that. You're going through that. You're going to make it. Don't give up on yourself, don't give up on your life, don't give up on being a kid. You know, because that's all she wanted to do was be a kid. You know, because that's all she wanted to do was be a kid and have that normal kid life. You know, and when something so precious like that is brought from you, you think the worst. I used to think the worst, why me? I thought God did forgive, didn't love me. I used to think the worst like why me? Why is it? You know why? I thought God did forgive, didn't love me. I thought God didn't care. You know, but I'm a kid, I didn't know no better, I didn't. You know all the stuff that I heard about well, god, this and this, that Jesus. Where was that? I felt that, where was that when that was happening to me?

Speaker 2:

And I'm glad you said that because I think a lot of people actually feel like where is God, where is this Jesus? Where is God when something tragic has happened to them in their life? When you lose someone suddenly, when something disturbing happened in a family member or to you or anything, and you're asking yourself where is God right? What is God doing? What is he trying to show me or say to me and for me to say to my community? That's what relationship with God looks like is we don't have all the answers and we don't know what's going to take place and we don't know what's going to happen, and we don't know what's going to take place and we don't know what's going to happen. But to know that God is very much present in our life and shows up exactly where we are, that helps us really take that choice and say you know what I'm going to get with God, because I need to know what God is talking to me about, and that's what LeVette Legacy is about.

Speaker 2:

So on this podcast, we talk about legacy. I talk about creating LeVette Legacy is about. So on this podcast, we talk about legacy. I talk about creating LaVette Legacy, because I don't come from a legacy. Legacy is something you didn't leave behind.

Speaker 3:

So what is you fighting for today?

Speaker 2:

Um more um my freedom. I can say you seem pretty free to me. I don't what freedom. What is freedom that you don't have? You're not working. You're living right now under my roof for free well, I'm not saying that type of freedom.

Speaker 3:

I'm talking about, like as far as like, the experience of me being locked up. You're not locked up. No, not now.

Speaker 2:

So we're not talking about that, because that's not Now. What do you? What is you fighting for today? You can't fight for freedom because you're not in jail.

Speaker 3:

Well, basically, I'm just fighting, really, really. I'm just trying to get back on my feet and fight for my getting my place again. You know, being independent, you know depending on myself, you know depending on Responsibility that's what I'm fighting for, Just to be more responsible.

Speaker 2:

And what do you hope your story will say when it's all said and done?

Speaker 3:

Well, maybe it can help a person not to make certain choices in their life. Maybe it can help someone look into their children when they're small, you know, try to be more, as far as more interacting with their siblings are interacting coming to as being more positive.

Speaker 2:

You know role models, you know so we talk about a positive role model right now, today. You know role models, you know.

Speaker 3:

So we talk molestation Because we need more positive role models right now, today.

Speaker 2:

you know, so you hope your story will help somebody else in the long run, right? So we talked today about molestation, and one of the persons that I like to listen to a lot is Joyce Myers, and she talks about the molestation that her dad occurred on her and how her mom turned a blind eye to it and how she struggled with that for so many years. Yes, your molestation took place in a very young age for a short period of time. Do you feel at any point?

Speaker 3:

that in your adult age that you could have chose to not dwell in your molestation. Well, I want to go back on that because, even though it stopped there with that particular person, I still was fighting the same issues, but just not as a very as it was when I was four or five and six, almost seven, even when I became a developing young woman, I still had to face these things with men, with older men who looked at me differently because I was developing as a young woman. At 12 and 13 I was coming, filling out and I was still having certain men in the family uh, that so-called boyfriends, you know who were in that mind state of being a pedophile. You know I still had to grow up and to protect myself, even as a preteen, you know so a lot of negative things.

Speaker 2:

You're fighting in your head a lot of demons. Well, it was just a lot of negative things. You're fighting in your head A lot of demons.

Speaker 3:

Well, it was just a lot of issues that I went through growing up, right?

Speaker 2:

So a lot of a lot of demons is what people call it.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, you can call them spiritual warfare.

Speaker 2:

So let's just pause for a second. Do you ever wish you can take it all back, or do you see any purpose in the pain?

Speaker 3:

Of course I wish I could take those days back. I mean, I can't say I had two sides of growing up. I had a good side and I had also had a bad side. But, um, the one of the only things that I really would like to take back is the bad parts, the really negative, negative, negative parts.

Speaker 3:

That was really so terrifying that I feel no child or no young woman should have to go through period, even today, you know so I wouldn't change giving birth to the children that I had, because those were my choices that I made to have those children. Because, believe me, in between time I got, I didn't got pregnant many of times and I chose to. I made a choice not to have those children. But I thank God for the children that I have today, because it kind of made me into the young woman that I am today too.

Speaker 3:

You know I really needed to learn a lot of responsibility. I really need to learn how to be, you know, even though I was a young mom, but I still had to be a good, a grown mom too. You know I had to raise some of my sisters and brothers growing up. You know I had a lot of my sisters and brothers growing up. You know, uh, I had a lot of stuff put on me growing up, you know. So it's certain things that I will take back, but it's a lot of things that I wouldn't take back for the world, because a lot of times I, a lot of times I really had a good time growing up. You know, um, I had, like I said, two different backgrounds my godmother, my grandmother.

Speaker 3:

We don't want to go into too much detail about that Okay, okay yeah.

Speaker 2:

So because it's still your story, it's your perspective. But there is also other sides of the stories. Me and my brothers can also have our side of the story, of what we feel like take place too. So I'm going to just notate and say, mom, there are days when I'm extremely angry at you. There are days when I completely don't like you at all, can't stand you, don't want to be around you. There are days when I fought you. Literally we fought, we argued and everything.

Speaker 2:

So for you to be sitting here today with me is God's grace. It's nothing but God's grace. Because I am so angry at this woman next to me, because there's a lot of things in my childhood that I didn't experience and I missed out on by just not having my mom. And I'm sure there's other people in the world who question why me? Why did this happen to me? Why did my mom or my dad have to fall short to this drugs or drinking or society? Or why short to this drugs or drinking or society, or why you know? But at the end of the day, my walk with God, my relationship with God, supersedes how angry I will want to be at you. It, it overflows into my anger and it brings me calm and peace, because they say honor thy parents so your days can live longer. So me honoring you by having you here to tell your story is me saying God, I see what you did here, but that's still not my responsibility. I can't do what God can do for you. I can't tell your side of the story for you or confess to God what needs to be changed or your choices. If that makes sense, right, all right. But here we are, still breathing, still hoping. I know she don't have hope, but I do, still praying. So just know, even all of my disappointments, I still want to see you win. That's been a huge thing for me, so I would like to thank you for being honest, even when it hurts, even if it's your side of the story.

Speaker 2:

This isn't just a podcast. This is two women, two generations, fighting for a different ending. So to anybody listening, don't turn away from the mess. God meets us in the middle of it. Next episode we'll talk about healing, forgiveness and what recovery actually looks like when you're still in the fight.

Speaker 2:

Faithful fan family. This is real life. This is my story. This is huge for me. So I'm going to close it off with a prayer and I'm going to say God, we're messy, we're hurting, but you promise that nothing is wasted, not our pain, not our past, not even our worst day. Cover every parent, every child, every family in this fight. Give us strength to keep showing up and remind us, even in our lowest moments, that we are still yours, amen, amen. So for all of you guys who like to join us in this conversation, if this conversation has blessed you, please subscribe, share and join the faithful fin talk community. Follow and connect with us on instagram, on tiktok, on facebook, on youtube website.

Speaker 2:

Levette legacy living in wealth. Faithful fin talkcom podcast. Faithful fin talkcom podcast faithfulfintalkcom. Obviously it's on Buzzsprout, but you can find it anywhere. Join the newsletters, drop your testimonies, dm us. You are a part of this story. Let's keep building legacy together. I would like to thank you for walking with me, thank you for growing with me and until next time, you guys. This is Faithful Fintalk real stories real scripture and real growth.

Speaker 1:

See you, wings open wide, trusting my God, ready to take off, ready to take off? Ah, someday I know I'm moving in the right way oh, one day I keep praying, I keep praying, I keep praying.

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Juantrell Lovette

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